Thus far, 2016 has been super painful on many fronts. Like so many, my husband, while he never complains and honestly is pretty much the bomb, has an extremely stressful job. Also, like so many, I am an only child with an aging parent who is in terrible health and does not live here. Additionally, like so many, I am needed by my children as they navigate this world. And finally, the straw that broke my proverbial back (and we all know how great my back is to begin with, haha)- I received devastating news about another family member this week. All in all, a tough month, to say the least.
And so, I have spent the last few days living in F.E.A.R. and fear. Both fear, like what you are thinking, and False. Evidence. Appearing. Real. In other words, the “what ifs?”
“What if it goes this way? What if the worst case scenario happens? What if I can’t fix it? What if something happens to _____? What if I have failed in my parenting/daughtering/wifeing/teaching/friending…? What if, what if, what if…”
As almost all of us know, this is not a fun place to live. It is fraught with anxiety over what will happen and what has already happened. It is a paralyzing existence. What is so very ironic, so very comical, is that I am a yoga teacher, for F*CK’s sake. I know better. This is one of the main reasons why we practice…to get out of that place and into the stillness of the present moment.
But knowing is one thing, and putting that knowledge to work to regain the present moment is quite another.
Don’t get me wrong. I have been practicing daily. I have been walking with my dogs in the woods to clear my head. I have been teaching. I have been trying. But the peace of the present moment has been incredibly elusive. All these years of practicing, all these years of teaching… and still, the samskara of F.E.A.R. Still the vrtti.
Until today. What is funny about today is that on some level, it was not an unusual morning. I taught my usual Ashtanga class to my seriously fabulous students and then I treated myself to Sharon’s class, where I got to be with more awesome people. This is most weekdays for me; teach amazing students and either practice with my people or have a yummy home practice with my animals (and by yummy, I don’t mean glorious. Many days, my back stops me cold. But the energy is still yummy and so I try again and again).
I have landed in a seriously fantastic yoga community. When I say that the students and teachers I am privileged to be with day to day are honestly the nicest, most supportive and kindest people around, I am not kidding. Couple that with my yoga friends around the world, my family and my “non-yoga” friends, and I am truly, truly blessed.
As if that is not enough, my yoga community goes out of its way to let me know they appreciate my teaching. I am constantly humbled and touched by the outreach, the kind notes, the lovely gestures, and even gifts and food. These are some seriously beautiful people and I am truly knocked over by their love and generosity.